This was the subject line of a phishing email I found in my junk folder this morning. 

Now, I am a pretty good girl, so of course I panicked… And opened the email.

It went like this (the brackets are my words): 

Hello Pervert,

(Eeekk, I’ve been called out. How’d they know?)

You are in big trouble.

(Omg, what kind of trouble? What could I, a decent, genuine, law-abiding Brit, posibbly have done?)

However, don't panic right away.

(Too late) 

Listen to me first, because there is always a way out. 

(Phew, I’m glad you told me that. I was starting to panic)

You are now on the radar of an international group of hackers, and such things never end well for anyone. 

(Oh crap)

I'm sure you've heard of Anonymous. 

(I wouldn’t be so sure, but go on…)

Well, compared to us, they are a bunch of schoolboys.

(Hmm, bet you wouldn’t say that to their face - oh, but they’re anonymous, so you can’t. Safe move.)

***

The Do-gooder goes on to tell me how they ‘caught me’ and how I’m an evil person for watching and recording naughty shenanigans on the internet. 

Our anonymous hero goes on…

***

However, as I said earlier, there is always a way out, because even the most degraded sinner deserves leniency. 

(Huh-uh, I’m feeling the shame right now)

You are lucky today because I am not a sadist who enjoys other people's suffering. 

Only money matters to me. 

(I’ll bet your mum’s so proud)

Here is your salvation: you must transfer $1370 in Bitcoin to this BTC cryptocurrency wallet: [a cat walks on his keyboard and somehow it’s a link to a crypto account]

(Huzzah! This really is my lucky day. I’ll get ma wallet)

You have exactly 48 hours to make the payment, so think less, and do more.

(Arrghhh, a good old deadline. Can’t beat a good bit of urgency to stoke action. Classic marketing 101)

***

The email ends with a threat to send ALL the videos of my naughty shenanigans to ALL my contacts.

I don’t know if that includes you, but in case he misses you… here’s a link to all the vide—oh wait no… that’s not the way it works… plus, there are no videos… So…

I guess I’ll just say this…

YOU’RE IN BIG TROUBLE.

But don’t worry, I can help you write the words that sell...

Herein lies your salvation. 

Angie

If you spot any typos or run on sentences or dangling thingamies, please be kind and let it slide. Save your energy for something better.

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